The big two oh.

About two and a half months ago I wrote a post lamenting at my oncoming birthday and frantically attempting to decipher meaning out of the last two months of my teenaged life.

I appreciated where I was, but I hoped, so desperately, that I would appreciate where I would be after my birthday more. I also, somehow, taught myself the delusion that at the turn of the clock, and my turn of age everything would make sense and I wouldn't have to worry anymore. Oh to be young and naive.
And for that naive, youthful state to be less than three months ago.

So. What have I got to claim? My previous lament was the ongoing of 'half days', those days lived with half of myself, half of my energy, and half of my output. I really, was truly half of a being wandering from post to post attempting life's obstacles and being obscured by my failure.

I can, with a cheeky grin and a faintly heard sigh, admit that I'm living more. Although I can't account for full days, I can account for days that deservedly require rest at the end of them. How exactly I've gone from half to near full is a question of itself; my best attempt at summation (which I will, no doubt, disagree with in a month's time) is that I've become to live deliberately.

This was neither a self learned or 'deep moment of meditation' moment of realisation for me. I didn't wake up one morning and see the world 'deliberate' etched in the atmos of my room. Instead I noticed the essence of deliberate living in others, in friends who'd I'd recently engaged with, in relations, in communication, and saw how it permeated more than conversations. A deliberate being does not merely attend, speak to, watch or hear. To be deliberate is to engage, discuss, keenly observe, and listen. It is to this point that I curtsey and thank my friends. The friends who sat with me and listened to my pieces, my prose, my rants, and taught me that genuine engagement goes beyond a truthful encounter, but can change, and deepen meanings of other interactions. From their genuine beings I saw sign posts to the track of life I was meant to be on. I'm still learning, and I think, in truth, that they are still too. However treacherous the path we choose to travel though, an ability to earnestly look alongside another deliberate being is a treasured one.

What else did my last skip of teenagehood teach me? It taught me that I'm good at something, and that is enough to smile about. But it also taught me that just smiling about something gets you nowhere. If I want to smile about my writing for the rest of my life then a round of applause please. I've made it.
But I'm not a smiler. I'm a writer. I'm quite sure that blood doesn't run through my veins, but instead small figures of the alphabet, coursing and pumping my eyes until they're ravaged with hell bent frustration.
I can't just sit at home, in my room, and assume that my dreams will come true with no effort of my own. I have to work. And this is my declaration of it. Much to my chagrin. I can't kid myself that I'm the next big thing when all I have to account for is half hearted attempts to try. All or nothing. In truth or not at all.

I've become less let down by myself, and instead let down at my reactions to situations, opportunities, elements and people. Which at least shows an improvement in my self and an effort to be more aware of this self. I've endeavoured to be positive, to do simple things such as eat healthier, make better choices, and even, despite my inward volatility, find an agreeable nature in those I can find in such great contempt.

I went through unforseeable disappointments. My skin became abhorrent, and my anxiety returned, as well as old haunts of ghosts from teen dilemmas past. However I found myself of firmer ground, much firmer than the night of April 21, when the oncoming approach of the big 2-0 proved a push too far. Yet here I am. A couple weeks late on posting nearer the big day, but I can say I survived my teenage years. I survived! A few bruises and scars but I'm an adult now, equipped with stories, lessons learned, and elements of life happily achieved.

And here it has started, although in all honesty who's to know if it's even properly begun. But here we go 20s. Come at me now.