Tick Tock

Time: only missed when it's gone.

I say that with both truth and satire, for I'm not one to start a piece with postcard taglines; however it's a valid statement and a poignant one for me too.

I've been bound by regret recently, in reflection of my life and the things I do to fill it. I've realised that it hasn't amounted to much. I genuinely feel as though I've been living half a life, as though each day has been filled with more misses and sighs than achievements and smiles. And this has become more evident to me as I realise that in two months, I'm saying goodbye to my sweet teen suffix and hitting a galaxy of twenties. On the 22nd of June I turn 'near adult' and for me, that's become a greater concern than perhaps it should be; but, as I've said, for real reason.

I push more on the point of 'half days'. I've noticed just how lazy I am. I pepper my activities with excuses and prelude events with a victimised mentality. I live as though the burdens in my life are immovable and I am such a valiant soldier for at least trying to get through. Bull@#)&. Complete crock.

Proverbs 18:16 says "A man's gift makes room for him and brings him before the Great". It's wisdom speaks from the truth that something you are truly gifted in, and extends to something you truly enjoy, will make time in your life. I notice a startling trend where at my points of my life where most time is available I get less done, where as in times of complete chaos my to-do list is gnawed through and my social life is booming, my assignments are completed with satisfaction and I'm happy.

Those productive periods have been few and far between, however the lazy nature of my marred schedule has produced nothing but deep frustration and sadness. It was when I was driving home the other night that a thought hit me with such gravity I almost choked. The question weighed in my mind then slithered away with a smirk, it's deafening impact wallowing in my fatigued brain: what if this was the peak of my life? What if this was the good times, what if this was what I'd look back to in the future. Who's to know what is to come so who's to claim what is to be now?

All of this, plus the ticking of the calendar beckoning me to the big 2-0 has made me revolt in severe motivation to do good with my life. To stop waking up with anxious concern for the prosperity of the day, and fall asleep with regret and greater burden at the questionable quality of the time I'd just spent. I plan to make the most of every moment, minute, and task. To do my essays with the joyous thought in the back of my mind that each essay done is another essay down in the journey of my degree. That university should be the glory years of education and that trips to the gym are actually a good thing. That comedic times with friends make for stronger times with then in deep bent emotion, and that time is a precious valuable that can not be returned or taken back.

I'm so very much over half days and half attitudes, being let down by myself and having to live with it. It is time, because soon there will be none. Tomorrow, the 22nd of April, will be exactly two months until I am 20. I hope to return and write something that states something of solitude and accomplishment. Even if it's merely just feeling better about myself then cheers to that.

In truth, in wisdom, and in constant learning, I'm willing to live my life. Quite truly, to the fullest.